It is not uncommon for nasty and destructive words to pass between athletes and their coaches. When that happens and you’re the victim of a verbal assault on your self-esteem, the first thing you might do is to rationalize it. One way is to accuse your coach of reacting hysterically over a missed shot or a bad play. And why not - it’s the coach who has the low self-esteem. Right?
In close relationships between athletes, trainers and coaches, mutual respect is one thing but so too is mutual self-esteem. It’s essential that you avoid improving your own self-esteem at the expense of someone else’s.
Sometimes it’s possible to absorb hurtful remarks, deal with them and move on. Other times, caustic even ambiguous signals undercut an athlete’s self esteem.
Let’s take the case of an up-and-coming boxer. We’ll call him Punchy. With a throwaway comment, his trainer Joe told him; "Punchy, you’re a beast."
In a flash Punchy thinks he means he’s rough and savage. Hang on - perhaps he means he’s an uncivilized thug. His brain starts spinning through a list of criteria analyzing potential criticism. No, he decides wisely, it's not a criticism. He imagined it to be, but quickly overcame his temporary lapse in self-esteem and realized Joe was saying he was a ferocious fighter.
Let's look at another example.
Joe believed Punchy was lazy (he was not) and decided to put him through the ringer in training sessions – making him spar exhausting marathon sessions. The incessant workouts didn’t seem to benefit Punchy. On the contrary, he began to chafe and feel such discomfort after sessions that he started underperforming. It got to the point where he was being coerced into doing something he didn’t want to do, solely to please his coach. When this happens it’s generally acknowledged as a symptom of an athlete’s low self-esteem.
Bottom line? Although he felt he was super fit and felt no benefits from the rigorous training, Punchy didn't try to stop the sessions. He was afraid his trainer would be disappointed, or angry or even sideline him from future fights. Put differently, he was scared of taking a big blow to his own self-esteem.
This is where I’d like to introduce my own strategy for such situations. I call it the Positive Reinforcing Assertive Incentive Strategy Exercise – or PRAISE for short.
In a perfect world Punchy could have thrown up his arms and said: "Look boss, I've been giving it all I have but this is just too much of a marathon for me. I need to rest and lay off for a while."
But it isn't a perfect world. In the throes of an unrelenting drive for success, even if it is not one's own, it’s difficult to start rational conversations with a trainer who is pile driving you. And with Joe, so demanding about his routine Punchy let the marathons continue, further damaging his own self-esteem in the process.
What might Punchy have said to stop the marathon man, but didn't?
"Look, I really appreciate the workout because you are trying to help me . . .
". . . but you’re too much of a marathon man for me just now . . .
". . . I need to rest."
Although there are only three statements here, four things were implied.
First, Punchy is positive and appreciative:
"I appreciate it … you are trying to help me."
Next, he reinforces his positive remark with a supporting statement:
"You're too much of a marathon man for me just now."
Third, he is quietly assertive:
"I need to rest."
Lastly, he is offering some incentive by being positive because taking a "rest" implies resumption at some point. That, of course was hypothetical.
How should Punchy handle it next? Any way he likes, as long as he sticks to the PRAISE formula (Positive, Reinforcing, Assertive and offering an Incentive.) And this should be an important strategy exercised as often as possible, not just for Punchy but also for athletes, trainers and coaches everywhere.