Top athletes almost always show high levels of self-esteem and competence. They commit themselves to tough and challenging goals which when achieved, leave them with a strong sense of accomplishment. Not so for Pippa who, as we shall see, set herself different goals for a very different kind of sport!
Several years ago as a young college-basketball star, she was referred to me. It seemed almost an anachronism in this day and age but the college she attended had strict rules about fraternizing habits. The choice of college was no accident. Her parents were particularly strait-laced.
A rebellious type, Pippa had been caught in possession of recreational drugs, a dismissal offence. Given her remarkable talents on the court, the college chose no disciplinary action. Rather, her punishment poor girl was to come and see me for counseling.
After the first few sessions, it became clear that being sexually very active was a central feature of her life – but she did so primarily to please others. Eventually she tearfully described how devastated her parents were when she fell pregnant as a high school senior. Against their wishes she decided to have the baby who was adopted into the family. You can imagine what she went through.
Despite being very attractive with a bubbly personality Pippa had a low self-esteem. She was left to feel unworthy to be a member of a family that had high moral values and standards. She went on: "I felt I was unworthy of the college too. That's why when I got there, I started going around with other girls who didn't quite fit in - who were always at odds with the discipline and the traditions of the college.”
Tellingly, she recounted an episode when one night she and a couple of friends slunk out their college dorm to meet some football jocks. They decided to “borrow” a friend’s car and Pippa volunteered. Things soon turned into a hard-drinking party and although she stopped short of giving me colorful details, "it was just the greatest way to get laid."
Her payoff was that she was seen to be daring – having had the guts to steal a car and make sure all her friends would never forget her or the adventure. From then on, whenever they wanted to have a good time it was up to her to take the lead and take the risk.
Although that’s the way it looked and sounded, I wondered whether this was what Pippa imagined her life amounted to – having a "wild time” as the central character in acts of misbehavior. I decided no. There was something in her voice that suggested despair. Her boasts and bravado were actually a desperate cry for help from someone who had become a "victim."
As our sessions progressed, Pippa understood that she’d been impetuous at best (she described herself as being weak “giving in” to her desire to have sex to feel important.) Her problem was that she imagined friends were mocking her behind her back. She believed she had “sinned” against her family. She was a wrongdoer, therefore her place in the world was to wear the mark of Cain and dwell in the Land of Nod amongst misfit college friends, none of whom had done anything as “shameful” as getting pregnant.
Despite being a superior athlete by far, Pippa had been teetering on the psychological edge for some time. We began work on rebuilding her crushed self-esteem. The first stage was to get her to feel healthier about herself, which meant facing up to things she couldn’t change, and to work through criteria for dealing with real or imagined criticism.
She came to realize that nothing had actually been said; nothing had been implied. No one had said: "You've let us down very badly." No one said: "You're a disgrace to the family." No one said: "You are no longer one of us."
The only criticisms Pippa faced were her own. I have no doubt she would have taken them less to heart had her parents offered their daughter more positive affirmations of their love.
Pippa found discovering her real self was no picnic, but she knew the job was done when she felt altogether better about herself and changed her behavioral patterns. What she achieved was an understanding of the person who wasn't her self. It certainly wasn't the wayward girl who was going out and getting laid as part of a general kicks-finding spree.
Pippa’s story provides a good backdrop for athletes who have yet to realize that performance has a lot to do with self-esteem, which in turn goes hand-in-hand with self-awareness, self-knowledge and self-confidence.
It’s important to put all this "self-ness" into a wider context. If you’re concerned that you’re underperforming and don’t quite know why, try and identify whether there are underlying self-esteem issues that nothing to do with your sporting performance. And if yes, set yourself the task of working towards overcoming them as a first step to improving your performance. It’ll be a step to discovering your real self when you realize what it isn't. And that’s a big step.
And if you are a coach or a trainer, remember we are all psychologists of a kind. Every day we do what psychologists do in their laboratories. Observe people. Listen to what they say. Watch how they react. Delve into their motives, thoughts, feelings and perceptions - and how they think about their motives, thoughts, feelings etc.
Focus on your athletes’ core awareness about whom they are and how they feel about themselves as people. Are others in their lives displaying negative attitudes with demeaning labels instead of dealing with their emotions positively?
There’s a great need for clear self-awareness of the psychological forces acting upon each and every one of us. If you accurately understand your athletes, use that grasp to help them improve their self-awareness and esteem. In doing so, you will increase the likelihood that they will improve their performance in all spheres of activity.